it has been a very crazy week for me. at the office. and also at home – crazy times at the office always affects my time at home.
and a few days ago i lost my temper – when i should not have, where i should not have and most of all to whom i should not have. at all.
that day was a hectic day at the office. so much to do, and of course so little time to do them all in. i did not even have the time to pick up abang from school. i had to delegate the chore to his father. but that wasn’t the issue.
this next part of the story is. i knew that abang had a test the next day (another mom had told me about it). and i had meant to make the time to call home to make sure that abang study for the test. but somehow (i still can’t believe how i did not make the time), i did not. partly because i assumed that someone at home must have had read the ‘agenda’ and had him study for it.
that night i left the office at 7.30 pm. i got home at 8.15 pm. as soon as i walked in the door, i asked one of the maids whether abang had studied for the next day test or not. she did not even know that there would be a test. oh no. so i half ran to the bedroom, knowing that abang was already there, but not asleep yet. and there i lost it. i screamed and yelled at him for not having studied for his IPS test. when i asked him why, his answer tore at my heart.
“but i did not have anyone to help me study, ibu.”
it wasn’t an anger or a disappointment towards me, but deep inside me, i knew that i was to blame. it was all my fault. but what did i do? as if to defense myself and deny all the blame, i shouted back at him and told him that he should have studied anyway. by himself. i ordered him to get off his bed, get his books and start reading. for the next hour or so i kept with my anger and yelled at abang everytime he couldn’t answer my questions right. at times i could see tears started to well but he tried very hard not to cry for he knew that if he had cried, then i would just get angrier at him.
up until now i still cannot forgive myself. for getting angry with my son, when it was actually me whom i was upset at. for shouting at my son, when it really was my who was at blame. for losing my temper, when i should have given understanding and love instead.
i don’t think that my son really cared anymore, or perhaps he even had forgotten. we are cool now. but when i think back to that incident, the disappointment and regret i still can’t forget.