i lost my temper.

8 03 2009

mushroom_cloudit has been a very crazy week for me.  at the office.  and also at home – crazy times at the office always affects my time at home.

and a few days ago i lost my temper – when i should not have, where i should not have and most of all to whom i should not have.  at all.

that day was a hectic day at the office.  so much to do, and of course so little time to do them all in.  i did not even have the time to pick up abang from school.  i had to delegate the chore to his father.  but that wasn’t the issue.  

this next part of the story is.  i knew that abang had a test the next day (another mom had told me about it).  and i had meant to make the time to call home to make sure that abang study for the test.  but somehow (i still can’t believe how i did not make the time), i did not.  partly because i assumed that someone at home must have had read the ‘agenda’ and had him study for it.  

that night i left the office at 7.30 pm.  i got home at 8.15 pm.  as soon as i walked in the door, i asked one of the maids whether abang had studied for the next day test or not.  she did not even know that there would be a test.  oh no.  so i half ran to the bedroom, knowing that abang was already there, but not asleep yet.  and there i lost it.  i screamed and yelled at him for not having studied for his IPS test.  when i asked him why, his answer tore at my heart. 

“but i did not have anyone to help me study, ibu.”

it wasn’t an anger or a disappointment towards me, but deep inside me, i knew that i was to blame.  it was all my fault.  but what did i do?  as if to defense myself and deny all the blame, i shouted back at him and told him that he should have studied anyway.  by himself.  i ordered him to get off his bed, get his books and start reading.  for the next hour or so i kept with my anger and yelled at abang everytime he couldn’t answer my questions right.  at times i could see tears started to well but he tried very hard not to cry for he knew that if he had cried, then i would just get angrier at him.

up until now i still cannot forgive myself.  for getting angry with my son, when it was actually me whom i was upset at.  for shouting at my son, when it really was my who was at blame.  for losing my temper, when i should have given understanding and love instead.

i don’t think that my son really cared anymore, or perhaps he even had forgotten.  we are cool now.  but when i think back to that incident, the disappointment and regret i still can’t forget.


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11 03 2009
nana

i can feel his sadness. he just a little young boy, don’t be too hard to him also to you. now i know why you posted next issues : performance assessment (for mom). still feeling guilty?

simawarkuning: yes, betul sekali😦

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